Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Making Things Simpler Is So Complcated

I have a new toy!  Its called a WACOM.  Why Wacom?  I have no idea, but it is one of the coolest new computer tools.  Well, let's just say it's new to me.  Finally, when I am designing new patterns,  I don't have to draw with a clumsy mouse or, as I called it,  "The Brick".   Over the years I have been somewhat animated (surprise!)  in expressing my feelings to my husband  about the difficultly of using The Brick to draw.  But he was listening and helped me to select the Wacom Cintiq and now I can draw with a pen on a computer tablet.   This is SO sweet.

But we do have a new problem and that is me learning all the new software that came with it.  I don't care what they say out in the computer world, but these people that are supposed to be teaching us how to use computer stuff do not speak English.  I  have now watched dozens of tutorials to come to the sad conclusion that I am still missing something.   But no,  it's just the way they speak.  Their language sounds like English but I have never heard those words before.  I can't even find them in the dictionary, not to mention the shortcuts like cntl-click and alt-shift.  WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT!

 The computer world is in their own world.  They have truly forgot that they are selling there products to people like ME!  So speak to me. Now I have to buy another book on the secret code of how to speak Nerd. Thank God my son is a linguist.

Do you how to zip and unzip a file?  Trust me, it is not anything like zipping up your skirt.  Do you have any ideas how to defrag your computer?  Or even what a frag is?  Do you know what VGA and DVI cables are?
I didn't think so.

The first tutorial I watched was this fast talking guy who speaks so fast you can't even write it down. I had to watch it 3 times to get what he was saying, which was nothing.  The reviews on his presentation mirrored my feelings exactly.  Of course he took offense and defended his delivery.  Then their was the "Earring Guy," as I like to call him, who is way to old for wearing earrings.   His tutorial gave me the impression he was saying, Hurry up and learn this, you are wasting my timeI have a pilates class in an hour.  I am sure he has to go interface with his peeps who also wear earrings.

Next on my list is this pleasant female voice.   Maybe I can relate to women better than the guys.  NO,  she is also from this strange world. She kept asking about opening a practice file and nobody could find the practice files.  This was in Photoshop and every one was still looking for the practice file when I gave up.  She was also in a hurry and had to run to meet someone and interface after she picks up the kids form day care who all know also speak the techno lingo at their preschool in the Silicon Valley.

 Isn't there any one who speaks computer to the regular people like an  artist/mom/dyslexic?  Help!!!

Then the door blows opens with a bang.  A gust of wind blows leaves into the hallway with a whoosh.
Behind the sunlit shadows, is the outline of a MAN.  He is wearing flip flops and shorts that show off his great tan legs.  He approach the computer slowly.   He motions for my chair.  I jump up quickly, tossing my foo-foo pillow aside.  He asks for a cool drink.  It's early in the morning, so I fix him a cooling iced coffee.
I can tell this is going to be a HOT day.  The lone stranger starts to work his magic.  I here the click, click, clicking of the key board.  Its been about 15 minutes and then I hear him say I fixed  it!  My heart skips a beat.  Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What has he done?  No one knows.  But he spoke in a patient, soft voice, speaking clear English.
He showed this artist how to work her new toy.  As he stood next to me I felt my heart beat fast and my face get hot.  I quickly ask him to stay for dinner.  But, no.  He has others to save.  He drives way from my house on his trusty stead, The HOT HATCH, to his real job.  I know my computer world has been set straight.
At least for for today.  Tomorrow, who knows?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Art of Weight Loss

 Marcia, Jan and Cindy 1974
Mindy Jacqui and Cynthia 1979
The frustration with trying to lose weight is about to do me in.  I am exercising and really eating the right things but for the last week nothing, I mean NOTHING has happened except I have watched some really funny YouTube videos while on the treadmill and learned some new ways to enjoy celery. Yummy.
Last night I was watching Entertainment Tonight.  Can you tell Joe is out of town?  There was Marcia Brady proudly showing off her new body. She is the same age as me and down to 113 for a photo shoot.  I have never been 113.  She has lost 50 pounds.  She was so happy because this was the same weight she was when the Brady Bunch went to Hawaii and Bobby found the scary tiki  that put a curse on the Brady family. Don't act like you don't remember.  So there she was in her new skinny body.  I need to know how she did it.  After the show suckers me in for almost an hour I NEED to know how she did it.  Here I am, on my diet, working hard to lose 1 pound only to gain it back.  What is her secret?  The show is back after 45 commercials, one which was for Jenny Craig.  I am on the edge of the sofa, waiting and...............

Oh, that's her secret.  Why didn't I think of that.  It's so simple. She got a personal trainer,  has a chef to cook all her food and she must have money, or is getting some, because she can work out 2 hours a day.   And after 8 months she dropped 50 pounds. You go, girl!  We will all just go out and get personal trainers.

OK, so I sound a little angry,  it is really just disappointment. You know how I feel?  I hope you do.
There is not one woman alive that doesn't, after the age of 40, have trouble with her weight.  I look back at photo albums of me just 5 to 7 years ago and see I was 15 pounds smaller and can't believe how good I looked but how fat I thought I was at the time.  That is sad.

Learning to be content with one's self is an art form and I would like to master that art. I have a successful career that is more than I could have ever dreamed of.  My son is prospering in his adult life and my husband, my sweet husband, looks at me like I am the hottest thing going. Thank God, I haven't gotten him those new glasses yet.

So it's just me that is getting in the way again!  So this is my plan for just today:  I am going to think like I am strong, thin and young.  Go and get my manicure and even a tan.  Because tan fat is always better than white fat.  One day at a time.
But first I have to do 35 minutes on the treadmill.  That is also part of the art.